Whenever Theodore Roosevelt expected a visitor, he would stay up late the night before, reading up on whatever subject he knew particularly interested his guest. And that is because Roosevelt was keenly aware of the following idea:. Carnegie describes a story from a man named Edward Chalif, who was planning to ask the president of one of the largest corporations in America to pay for his son to go on a Boy Scout trip. Before Mr. Chalif went to see him, he had heard that this man had drawn up a check for a million dollars, and that after it was canceled, he had had it framed.
Upon meeting the man, he mentioned how much he admired the check and would love to see it. The man was thrilled!
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Chalif was there to see him. When Mr. Chalif mentioned his request, the man agreed without any questions and even offered to fund the trip for several other boys as well. What could we say to that person to cheer them up? We could think of something about them that we honestly admire. This might sometimes be difficult with a stranger, but we should push ourselves to think of something, and mention it to them.
When Carnegie describes having this type of interactions with a stranger, he notes that many people have asked him what he was trying to get out of the person. His response:. Go out of your way to offer words of kindness to that person through a genuine compliment. Aim to do this at least once every day. If I am wrong, I want to know why. The latter approach becomes disarming, and often causes the other person to be much more reasonable, or even thank us for having an understanding attitude.
It also hopefully inspires our opponent to be just as fair and open-minded as we are. Without our egos threatened, we may become very open to exploring new possibilities. You might even ask the other person for permission to share your perspective on the matter, which readies the other person to listen to your ideas in a less critical mindset.
Carnegie tells a story of taking his dog to the park without a muzzle or a leash, and running into a police officer who scolded him, as this was against the law. So the next time, Carnegie let the dog run free.
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When he ran into that same police officer, he knew he would be in trouble. Instead of waiting for the police officer to start reprimanding him, he spoke up, saying that the officer had caught him red-handed, he was guilty and had no excuses, that the officer had already warned him. After that, the only way the policeman could nourish his self-esteem was to take a forgiving attitude and show mercy.
Next time you find yourself in the wrong, challenge yourself to be the first to point it out. If you messed up on a work project, approach your boss about it, or bring it up next time you meet with her. But what about the other person? Will our belligerent tones and hostility make it easy for them to agree with us? If we approach the other person with our fists doubled, this will only lead the other person to double his fists twice as fast.
When you find yourself about to scold your children, act as a domineering boss, or nag your husband or wife, try softening your approach by opening with a friendly conversation and keeping a calm tone. Have at least five minutes of pleasant conversation before you bring up the issue at hand.
When talking with people, we should never begin with the points on which we disagree. This starts the person moving in the affirmative direction where no withdrawal takes place. Our opponent now has a very accepting, open attitude. Next time you find yourself in disagreement with someone, challenge yourself to get them to agree with you on at least two things before you each share your perspectives. Pointing out early on that you share the same ultimate goals will help start the conversation with a more agreeable tone. Most people who try to get others to agree with their perspective do too much of the talking.
Instead, let the other people talk themselves out. They know their problems better than we do. We are often tempted to interrupt someone when we disagree with them. We must listen patiently and with an open mind, and be sincere in encouraging them to share their ideas fully. This principle helps in both business and family situations. Her daughter let loose the thoughts and feelings she had been bottling up - her mother never listened to her and always interrupted her with more orders. The mother realized all she had been doing was talking, not listening.
From then on, she let her daughter do all the talking she wanted and their relationship improved significantly. Fight the urge to talk about yourself by learning to be comfortable with short silences in conversation. We much prefer to think independently, have autonomy, and act on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about what we think and what we want. So how can we use this to our advantage? Take the case of a man named Mr.
Wesson, who sold sketches for a design studio. He failed hundreds of times in getting one of the leading New York stylists to buy his sketches. One day, he tried a new approach. He took several incomplete sketches to the stylist and asked how he could finish the designs in such a way that the stylist would find them useful.
The stylist offered his ideas, Mr. These skills will take time to develop, but will help you avoid conflict and get better results. Make a list of reasons that you want them to do it, and a list of reasons that they would want to do it. What if there were a magical phrase that would stop arguments, create positive interactions, and make the other person listen to you attentively? Well there is. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel the same way.
If someone feels negatively toward us, once we begin apologizing and sympathizing with their point of view, they will begin apologizing and sympathizing with our point of view. Everyone wants to feel understood and have their troubles and opinions recognized. Use this to turn hostility into friendliness.
Next time you approach a disagreement with someone, take a moment to imagine yourself in their shoes. If you were that person:. People usually have two reasons for doing things -- one that sounds good, and the real one. A person will recognize on his own the real reason he does something. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good.
Take, for example, a landlord who had a tenant that decided he was going to break his lease four months early. The landlord could have handled the situation by pointing to their contract and listing all the consequences that would follow, but he instead had a talk with the tenant and said:. I sized you up when I first met you as being a man of your word. Take a few days to think it over, and if you still intend to move, I will accept your decision as final.
The result? The tenant concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to his lease. Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. In most cases, people will react favorably if we make them feel that we consider them honest, upright, and fair. For example, most people aim to be responsible, fair, wise, and diligent. We make games out of chores so our kids will play along and find it fun to pick up their toys when they get to make a pretend train around the playroom.
Carnegie tells a story of a salesman who walked into a grocery store, told the owner that he was literally throwing away money on every sale he was making, and threw a handful of coins on the floor. The sound of the coins dropping got the attention of the owner and made his losses more tangible, and the salesman was able to get an order from him. Find creative ways to use showmanship in presenting your ideas. Could you include a funny video in your presentation? Or begin with a dramatic statistic to underscore the importance of your message?
Most people have an innate desire to achieve. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of competition - everyone wants to outdo others and be the best. Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, did a study of the work attitudes of thousands of people, ranging from factory workers to senior executives. He discovered that the one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting or interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it.
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This is what every successful person loves: the game. We seek a chance for self-expression, a chance to prove our worth, to excel, to win. When all else fails in motivating your employees or your children to do something, turn it into a game! Offer a reward to incentivize your sales reps to bring in the most revenue for the month, or tell your kids that whoever picks up the most toys gets to choose the restaurant they go to for dinner. For example, if a colleague writes a speech for a conference that we feel is too lengthy or inappropriate for that particular audience, we might start by complimenting her speech and noting that it would make for a great blog post.
The key is an age-old technique called a 'criticism sandwich. Then segue into the meat and potatoes: the criticism. Finally, and more importantly, part ways with another positive compliment. Most of us respond bitterly to direct criticism. It is much easier to listen to a description of our own faults when the person criticizing begins by humbly saying that he is also far from perfect. Carnegie gives an example of hiring his niece, Josephine, to be his secretary.
Josephine made many mistakes on the job, and though Carnegie was tempted to criticize her for her flaws, he took a step back and realized that he is twice as old as Josephine and has ten thousand times her business experience. How could he possibly expect her to have his same viewpoint and judgment? He realized that Josephine was performing better than he had been at her age. When he approached Josephine, he told her that she had made a mistake but goodness knows it was no worse than many that he himself had made.
He noted that she was not born with judgment, that it comes only with experience, and that he had done many stupid things himself. Your empathy wheels will start turning, and you'll realize that you have an opportunity to be a great mentor to this person. Try to be a positive influence. Think of yourself as your mentor instead off their boss, their friends instead of their parent. No one likes to take orders. What if, instead of telling people what to do, we gave them the opportunity to do things themselves, to learn from their own mistakes? But if we ask questions that give people the opportunity to correct errors themselves, we save their pride and give them a feeling of importance.
Next time you are about to give an order to a child, spouse, or employee, resist the temptation to simply tell them what to do. Ask them questions that will help bring them to the conclusion that that is the best action to take, and will make them want to do it. When we disagree with someone, even if we are right and he is definitely wrong, we only destroy his ego by causing him to lose face. Carnegie offers an example of an accountant whose business was mostly seasonal.
As a result, every year he had to let a lot of employees go once the tax rush was over. He then decided to begin the conversation by instead telling each employee how valuable he or she had been to the organization, and pointing out specific qualities that he appreciated in them. The employees walked away knowing that if the business had been able to keep them on, they would have, and they felt much better about themselves.
When you have to deliver a decision or information that will cause negative feelings, think about how you can make the person feel good about himself first. Avoid delivering negative feedback in front of others or setting up a situation that will be embarrassing for the person. Take a brief look back on your own life to this point. Can you think of a time when a few words of praise have had a hand in shaping the person you've become? One of the most powerful abilities we have is helping others realize their potential.
We can do this by praising their strengths. Yet, this is something we do so infrequently. It's much easier to point out someone's faults. Even when it's tough to find things to praise, try hard to find something. We should also praise often.
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By noting even small steps and minor improvements, we encourage the other person to keep improving. We should also be specific in our praise. When praise is specific, it comes across as more sincere, not something we're saying just to make the other person feel good. As they hit each milestone, or even as they put in the effort to make progress, offer specific and sincere praise on each gradual step they take. Carnegie offers an example of a mechanic named Bill whose work had become unsatisfactory. Instead of berating or threatening Bill, his manager simply called Bill into his office and told him:.
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Bill once again became a fast and thorough mechanic. With the reputation his manager had given him to live up to, how could he not? If we tell our children, spouses, or employees that they are stupid or bad at a certain thing, have no gift for it, and are doing it all wrong, we strip them of any motivation to improve.
Carnegie offers an example of a boy who was struggling with algebra.
His father made flashcards for him, and every night his father would time him on how long it took for him to get all of the cards right. Their goal was to do it in under eight minutes. The first night, it took 52 minutes. But every time he knocked off a few minutes - 48, then 45, 44, 41 - they would call in his mother and the three would celebrate and dance a little jig. This gave the boy the motivation to keep improving, and even made it fun, until he got so good that he hit his goal and did it in eight minutes. These smaller compliments can help make room for sharing guidance while keeping them inspired.
The final key to being a leader and changing people without arousing resentment is to make the person happy about doing what we want them to do. If you have an employee who struggles with a certain task, appoint her to be the supervisor for that task, and watch as she improves immediately. Offering incentives, praise, and authority are all great ways to make a person happily accept our decisions and do what we want them to do. To be an effective leader, keep these guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:.
With practice, it will become even more natural to apply these principles every day, and soon we will be masters of the art of human relations. Contact Us. Investors Investor Relations. But how do we find time to read and remember all pages? Fundamental Techniques in Handling People 2. Principle Overview: World famous psychologist B. Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves.
Practice Principle 1: Do you know someone you would like to change in some way? Going against the wishes of his mentor, Mr. Miyagi Noriyuki "Pat" Morita , Daniel Ralph Macchio will defend his karate title in an All-Valley Championship match arranged by his nemesis Kreese Martin Kove , whose karate studio folded after his star student lost the championship to Daniel. Kreese's friend, Vietnam veteran and toxic waste dumper Terry Thomas Ian Griffith , agrees to help his old pal regain the championship trophy. Daniel's rival Mike Barnes Sean Kanan is known as "the bad boy of karate," and Daniel feels he requires more training to vanquish him.
But Mr. Miyagi refuses to help Daniel train for the tournament: "Karate to defend life and honor means something. To defend a plastic trophy means nothing. But after Daniel finds himself trapped at the bottom of a cliff and Daniel's girlfriend, Jessica Robyn Lively , has her life threatened, Mr. Miyagi realizes the bad guys have gone too far and agrees to coach Daniel for the tournament.
After Daniel and Miyagi defeats the Cobra Kais, and after Miyagi humiliates their master, Kreese, all of his students desert him. Kreese decides to close the dojo, he then goes to to his friend, Terry, who is also the dojo's owner, to turn in the keys, and announces that he is leaving town. Terry decides to send him on a vacation, and while he's away, he'll get Kreese his revenge on Daniel and Miyagi. Part of his plan is to recruit a deadly karate fighter, Mike Barnes, to fight Daniel in the tournament. Mike terrorizes Daniel and his friend, Jessica to participate in the Karate tournament that he won last year, but Miyagi believes that it's not a priority, causing a rift between Daniel and Miyagi.
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